It takes a Man to be a Father

Father's Day will always be a bittersweet day for me. It's been almost 15 years ago that I lost my dad. I don't talk a lot about it, especially to people I don't know very well, because I guess I am a pretty private person about my emotions, especially ones that cut pretty deep. But I was with my dad when he passed away, he had gone for a run and then a quick swim and then he collapsed, I will not go into much more detail, it's pretty tough to hear, but I knew he was gone. I called 911, mom was in there with me, we sent my brother across the street for help (I am glad he didn't really see all of that), but by the time the paramedics got there it was too late. We followed the ambulance to the hospital, and family and friends started to show up. The doctor came out and told us he did not survive, and my life changed forever in an instant.

In one instant, I was a young girl (15), that loved volleyball, and my family and friends, and my church, and (whatever boyfriend I had at the time), and my dog Lucy, and school, and all kinds of things----and the next I was fatherless. I remember that first night coming home, and going to my room and curling up in a ball and hoping the pain that was tearing through me wasn't real......but it was real. I woke up every morning for I don't know how many years, and my first thought was "he is still alive, that was a dream." But then after just seconds the reality would set in.

Somehow we survived. Each holiday was hard, here we were this normal, happy family and now the Man of our house was gone. My poor mom was only 37 when my dad died, 37!!!! I still don't know how she did what she did and got through all of the shock and horror of it all, the responsibility must have been overwhelming.

We weren't alone though. We had great friends, and people from our church that were supportive, and most importantly we had my grandparents and my Aunt Karen and Uncle Drew. They did SO much especially those first few years, we would not have made it without them. And what about all their pain? They had just lost a son and brother in law too.......

Time does heal. I never blamed God for what happened, he didn't make it happen. He does allow life to happen and with life comes death. I know that my dad was a good man, and that he is in a place where there is no pain, and no worries. Selfishly though, I still miss him and I also miss that he never got to meet my little angels Tatum and Dalton, he didn't get to see me graduate and marry Dan, and sometimes I just want to sit down and tell him what has gone on in my life, I hope he would be proud of me.

I don't seem to have the nightmares anymore, but occasionally I am pleased to say that my dad visits me in my dreams, and we usually have a nice chat and go for a walk. Maybe it's my conscience helping make some kind of contact, either way, I always feel better after those dreams.

Dalton was born two weeks early on the anniversary of my Dad's death, which I think is another very interesting coincidence. A day of sadness turned to a day of happy celebration for a new life.

The sun does come out again, eventually.............

We are all very lucky when my mom met Jerry and they have been together for 12 years now. He has been a great step dad to both Matt and me, and has loved our family like his own from the beginning. We will be forever grateful for that.

And last but CERTAINLY not least, to Dan who has been such an incredible father and daddy from that first night back at the ghetto hospital in STL when we found out we were expecting Tatum. He was calm, although I know he was nervous as &^%$, he was supportive, and excited, and has been the most unselfish and loving daddy in the world. He has two little people that worship the ground he walks on, and two little people who are so lucky to have him for their daddy.

I know this is a long post. And it's not funny and light like my usual posts are. Fathers are so important. I miss mine everyday.

Here's to all the dads out there.....keep up the good, hard work.